So, I can actually update some amazing answered prayers about last week. I went to Tennessee for court and everything was dismissed. I could've been looking at some tough consequences on top of what is already faced. God kept telling me not to worry ...and it was such a relief to just put everything in His hands and trust that His will would be done. I can't say that I've been able to do this in every daily situation. But I'm slowly starting to realize how much hurt I could avoid if I'd listen to the Spirit the first time He speaks to me.
I don't know what comes next, other than work my butt off and save money. But there is still a deep desire in my heart right now to leave Charleston. I don't know where...but I do know that wherever it is, I absolutely want to go to a calvary chapel church. Today I was talking with my childhood best friend. She lives in Florida with her husband and they go to Calvary Chapel St. Pete. She was like let's pray about you going to school here!! How cool would that be? I don't want to jump ahead of myself...which I do quite often. But the funny thing that made me want to pray about going there the most...was the church she goes to. They do have Aveda schools there. So it could be an option. You never know. Right now, I just know that all I can do is pray. I am pretty excited to listen to their live service tomorrow night though. I always have to wait like 5 days after Sunday for Calvary Chapel in charleston to post their sermons.
Anyway, just wanted to write since I've finally got a little time to do so.
I couldn't be any more thankful with all the little things my Father is showing me and how He never gives up on me.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Pray without Ceasing
Prayer Life...the Lord has really been convicting me about this lately. I feel like I am reading and listening to sermons and yes, the Lord is definitely using those things but I'm not communicating very well with him. Tonight I came across this from Oswald Chambers...
"think of prayer as the breath in our lungs and the blood from our hearts. Our blood flows and our breathing continues “without ceasing”; we are not even conscious of it, but it never stops. And we are not always conscious of Jesus keeping us in perfect oneness with God, but if we are obeying Him, He always is."
Next week is a very big week for me. I go back to tennessee for my court date. I was extremely nervous but the Spirit has given me such a peace about what lies ahead. I could have to pay hundreds of dollars, have my license suspended AGAIN, and pay SR22 insurance for the next 3 years. Or, it could be a simple as being able to talk to the officer before court and asking him to drop the case since I met all of the requests of the court. I am expecting the worst but praying for the best. I know my God has brought me through all of this so far. There's absolutely no way I could've come this far without Him, so whatever happens, I know it will be His will. I will definitely be fasting next week.
The past few days a desire to leave Charleston has come over me. I don't quite know yet if it is from the Lord but I will be in major prayer about it. It will be great to look back at this and see how God answers these prayers. I really want to go back to school and I know that I could probably do that in a bigger city with no car. My goal is to pay for an entire lease before I get another car and I'm well on my way to doing so.
More than anything I just want Gods will for my future. I know I don't need to plan anything yet. First comes next week and what happens at court.
"think of prayer as the breath in our lungs and the blood from our hearts. Our blood flows and our breathing continues “without ceasing”; we are not even conscious of it, but it never stops. And we are not always conscious of Jesus keeping us in perfect oneness with God, but if we are obeying Him, He always is."
Next week is a very big week for me. I go back to tennessee for my court date. I was extremely nervous but the Spirit has given me such a peace about what lies ahead. I could have to pay hundreds of dollars, have my license suspended AGAIN, and pay SR22 insurance for the next 3 years. Or, it could be a simple as being able to talk to the officer before court and asking him to drop the case since I met all of the requests of the court. I am expecting the worst but praying for the best. I know my God has brought me through all of this so far. There's absolutely no way I could've come this far without Him, so whatever happens, I know it will be His will. I will definitely be fasting next week.
The past few days a desire to leave Charleston has come over me. I don't quite know yet if it is from the Lord but I will be in major prayer about it. It will be great to look back at this and see how God answers these prayers. I really want to go back to school and I know that I could probably do that in a bigger city with no car. My goal is to pay for an entire lease before I get another car and I'm well on my way to doing so.
More than anything I just want Gods will for my future. I know I don't need to plan anything yet. First comes next week and what happens at court.
Friday, May 24, 2013
WRONG TURN
It's been a little over a year since I have written here and I really felt the urge to update. Hopefully I will get in a habit of writing more because it is great to look back and read things from the past. Tonight I am writing about the past year of my life (2012) and then the past 5 months of this year, 2013.
It saddens me to look back at my last post of my goal for last year because shortly after I made a major turn, a wrong turn in my life. Everything started when I started dating a guy that wasn't a christian. I gave Satan a way in and he took it. I always said I would never do that ...and well what do you know. Slowly but surely my lifestyle completely changed. I was starting to make a lot more money, I had nice things, and was getting used to a way of life where I was in need of nothing. I remember on my 21st birthday, before I started dating him, I spent that entire night with the Lord, reading and praying and worshipping Him. Instead of going out and partying like my twin sister, I gave that night to the Lord to show Him how important He was to me. But after dating my ex, drinking became an every weekend thing to me. I slowly stopped going to church and lost many friends who actually cared for me but probably didn't want to have anything to do with my lifestyle. I don't blame them. I always prayed, God please don't give up on me.
Well, things can't always be great can they? I lived it up for a while, but then things slowly started to crash in on me. I lost my job, bills started getting tight, but my priorities didn't change. Soon after that I got arrested for a DUI. I stayed in jail overnight. Luckily, I wasn't charged with one...they are a felony, praise God I got a huge traffic ticket instead. So, for most people you would think that would be a wake up call right? I suppose I a bit more hard headed than most. After that, nothing really changed for me except that slowly I was losing more and getting even more behind with my bills. Soon after, my car was repossessed...after putting about $8000 into it. Also, I was issued a bench warrant bc I had only paid half of my $1800 ticket. So here I was driving around on a suspended license with a bench warrant. I kept this to myself. Only my parents and sisters knew. During this time, I took multiple trips, Nashville, Indianapolis, Kentucky, Florida...all while needing to get other things taken care of. I was in such a state of denial at the reality of my life, looking back now I can't even believe it myself. Well, after my lease was up in Mount Pleasant...I had no where to go. Obviously knowing these things about me, my parents weren't about to go out of their way to help me out. I had no money saved up. So what was I going to do? No job, no car?
A long time friend of mine that lived in Tennessee offered to let me stay with her. If it weren't for her, I honestly have no idea where I wouldve gone. She helped me by giving me a place to live and a way to work. But being in the still selfish state that I was in, never told her that my license was still under suspension and drove her vehicles anyway. Still, asking myself what was I thinking??
Well, during the time of living with her, I still didn't save any money like I could have been doing, rather I was spending my money as I pleased, going out or buying whatever I desired at the moment. I also started seeing a guy that I met a year before when I visited for my 22nd birthday. Well, what do you know? I end up pregnant....yep. Never in a million years thought that would happen to me. It never did in the past so in my mind I felt like I was above it. Birth control isn't 100%. Now here comes ...to this day the absolute biggest test that I was ever faced with. For 3 whole months I laid in bed, sick as a dog. Could barely walk across the room without feeling as though I were going to pass out or throw up. I told no one except my friend and my sister. I didn't know what to do? Here I was, living in someone elses house, with no car, no money and I turn up pregnant!! I can't put that on someone else. She already helped me enough and this is what I do? Needless to say the pressure was for me to have an abortion. Something I believe to the core of me is wrong no matter the situation. The only person that encouraged me not to do it was my mother who found out bc my sister ratted me out. She encouraged me to give my child up for adoption. For a brief time I truly considered it. But I felt so far from God and felt like adoption would be something where I would REALLY have to trust in God for guidance and it had been so long for me since I had even tried to speak to Him. I waited until the last possible day to go through with it. I had the abortion. Just typing that is so hard for me. I have never regretted anything more in my entire life. I was so depressed and broken. I felt a relief after I did it, but it was only a physical relief from the pregnancy sickness. Inside I was distrought. To this day I am still hurting and think of how things could have been if I had made the right choice. But I thank God for counseling from my mother and the crisis pregnancy center.
So, after this, do you think anything could get worse? If you don't...well, SUPRISE!! It can. I was still driving to work on a suspended license and it caught up to me. One night I was speeding and what would have been a simple traffic ticket, became more jail time. I spent 28 days in a tenn jail for it. It was supposed to be an overnight thing and I could get out for $100. But who was I going to ask? I didn't call my mother for DAYS because I was so ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know.
THIS WAS THE BIGGEST BLESSING. God snatched me out of my life and stuck me in a place where He could FINALLY speak to me. In the first days of being there, I was in denial and thinking of ways I could get out without asking anyone to help me. Of course all of the women I was in jail with had plenty of ideas...you could call up this bondsman and tell him you'll "do anything" if he gets you out. Or I know this guy, bc I get women for him and he would LOVE you. He will get you out and set you up with a place and a car. You just have to go on dates with him. I'm not even going to lie...as disgusting as any of that sounds...the thought of going with one of those choices crossed my mind...feeling hopeless in those 4 walls. Finally, after about 6 days I decided I would give my mom a call. I had nvr had my 1 free phonecall you're supposed to get so I begged a C.O. for it for days. I called her and basically she told me that she was praying for me and felt like this was part of the Lords plan for things to come in my life. She wasn't going to help me by getting me out. I was to stay for 52 days until my court date. I tell you what...when you're in jail 1 day feels like at least a week and getting up to go pee in front of everyone is a major event in your day...so 52 days...oh my heavens...that's a LONG TIME.
The cell I was in was over crowded. We had 42 women in a cell made for only 16, so we were sleeping on the floor. But in that time I was able to make friends with a girl sleeping next to me. To this day we still write each other. Soon she will be out. To make a long story short, God has allowed me to really speak into her life. She never thought I would keep in contact. Most people don't once they get out. After being in that cell and starting to get close with her, I was moved after about 9 days. I was distrought when I got into the new cell. It was like starting all over...who do I get protection from? who do I stay away from? what are the new rules?...so many questions, I just laid on my mat and under my blanket and cried for hours and asked God why He would move me again and take me from my new friend. I then fell asleep and when I awoke, there were 4 girls sitting close to me. I soon realized that they were doing a bible study. WHATTT? In jail??? I couldn't believe it. I HAD to get involved. God began to show me that I was there for a reason. I was there to be an example to the women in my cell of what it meant to be a christian...and example of Gods grace and forgiveness...and I was there to help lead that bible study...for women who had no previous biblical knowledge.
During those days, I was able to go thru a bible study for myself that really helped me draw close to the Lord in a way that I had so long forgotten. One day during my prayer time (every morning while everyone was asleep I would walk laps across the cell and pray) the Lord told me that I needed to fast. Now I will tell you this, fasting in jail is probably one of the hardest things you could be asked to do while there because you are ALWAYS hungry. Eating is a highlight of your day, so not doing it is extremely difficult. But the next day, day 27...I did it. I prayed that God would take my worry away. I was going to be homeless when I left there. I had no help whatsoever bc I still had a bench warrant and my parents wouldn't help. I asked God to help me to have the faith that when the day came that I was going to get out, that He would show me what to do...no matter how hard, I was going to go wherever He led and not try to get out on my own accord. Later that day I gave a note to a C.O. requesting from the judge a P.R. bond since I had already served more than I would have even had to serve for that charge. I honestly didn't think I would get and answer since that was the 3rd request that I'd sent, but God kept pushing me to do it. That day was so long. I had a migraine from not eating but God gave me the most overwhelming sense of peace and thanks. The next day, I was awoken out of my sleep and told to pack up my basket and that I was getting released. I almost had a heart attack. A million thoughts started running thru my head, who's getting me out, who's picking me up, where will I live, how will I take care of my bench warrant? I had no one. All I could do was pray and tell God...okay, here's your chance God...what do you want me to do? I made a cpl phone calls, and no one could help. I called my mom and she said, I don't know what to tell you. But my thoughts soon turned toward the Chaplain at the jail. Surely he had to know of a place that I could go so that I would not be on the streets. So, I called him and he made some calls.There was a place called the Grace Home close by but they did not have any room for me. He called a woman that did prison ministry and asked her if she would come pick me up. Minutes later my mom calls the jail back and says, ...so are you really willing to do whatever it takes to get back on the right path? OF COURRRRSE mom!! what can I do? So she tells me that if I find a place to sleep for the night, she would pay for my bus ticket back to Charleston and when I got there I would have to turn myself in for my bench warrant and serve 15 more days (9good days) there instead of paying the ticket and then she and her husband would be in prayer about letting me stay with them.
Holy Cow, all in a matter of minutes God had 3 ppl working in my favor to help me. 2 of which had never met me but were willing to do anything they could. This woman came to pick me up and took me out to eat (best food of my life after jail food). She then took me to her church to get me clothes to wear since I had nothing but what was on my back in the freezing snow! That night I had to stay at the salvation army. It was so humbling. Never in my life did I ever think I would be in a situation where I would have to sleep in a homeless shelter. But it was the most comfortable bed I'd felt in a month and laying in it gave me such peace knowing that I was right where God wanted me. The next morning that same woman came to pick me up and took me to her home for breakfast with her family. Then we went to a nursing home to sing hymns and share a message with the elderly there. As I was up in front of them, I couldn't help but think WOW look at where I am right now...I could've found my own way out, but I relied on God to direct my path and I am sharing His love with others right now. I looked across that room and on the wall I saw a painting of sunflowers. If anyone knows me well, you'd know that sunflowers hold a very special meaning to me and my relationship with the Lord. They have always come about as a spiritual marker for me. In that moment I felt as thought God was telling me you are right where I want you. Sweet daughter of the Son [Sun]. It brought tears to my eyes.
That night I was off to Charleston, to serve more time in jail...but this time I was actually excited. First, by thought that I will be close to the place I love, and second because I knew afterward I would have a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.
The jail in Berekeley County was so much different than the one in TN. The Lord was not present. There was no chapel once a week. There were no bibles, or classes and when you requested them...you probably wouldn't get one. Thankfully, I brought the bible that I got in TN in with me and I was able to leave it there with a girl who was in for attempted murder charges and she was a lesbian. I still pray that it blesses her as it did me.
When I was released, I was beyond happy. My mom picked me up and we went out to breakfast. The next day would begin the real tests for me. After all i've learned did it really stick? I had to get a job with no car. And without fail, God provided!!! The very first place I went to immediately called me back for an interview minutes after I left. Soon after, I was able to come up with the money ($600) that I needed for a class I had to take to get my license back. Now that is behind me and I am going this week to pay $300 more to get my license back. All the while I've been saving for a trip back to TN for court...to pay off those fines and to pay for the cost of a trip. But God has provided. I have saved so much money and I am now saving to be able to pay down an entire lease for a place and for another car. I don't know what will happen when I go back to court...how much it will cost me or if the charges will get dropped, but whatever happens I am beyond thankful that it will be behind me. God has not failed to provide for me since I told Him I would do whatever it took to make things right again. Even walk to work everyday rain or shine...work as much as possible. It hasn't been easy and I have temptations every day to go out, to spend money that I shouldn't, do things that I shouldn't. But the thing I'm thankful for...is that NOW I have an ear to listen to the Spirit. Something I lost in the past. There's nothing easy about following the Lord, and I fail everyday...but I've never felt more thankful for God's hand in my life. Showing me that I am His beloved daughter, whether I choose to follow Him or not, His love is unfailing and everlasting. Not one person or thing on this Earth has proven a love like that to me except for Him.
I know that I have quite a road ahead of me. I am so excited for the future and where God will lead me to live next, what church that I will go to, if He will allow me to go back to school. But things are coming together and right now He has told me to be content in this moment. To work hard and be dilligent in my current place and He will direct my next moves when I am ready. How amazing is that?
So looking back on my last post...yes it saddens me the past year of my life...but that life is dead. I have put to death my old way of thinking and God has given me a new heart and vision for the future.
SCRIPTURE I CLUNG TO:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. ~1 Peter 5:7-10
It saddens me to look back at my last post of my goal for last year because shortly after I made a major turn, a wrong turn in my life. Everything started when I started dating a guy that wasn't a christian. I gave Satan a way in and he took it. I always said I would never do that ...and well what do you know. Slowly but surely my lifestyle completely changed. I was starting to make a lot more money, I had nice things, and was getting used to a way of life where I was in need of nothing. I remember on my 21st birthday, before I started dating him, I spent that entire night with the Lord, reading and praying and worshipping Him. Instead of going out and partying like my twin sister, I gave that night to the Lord to show Him how important He was to me. But after dating my ex, drinking became an every weekend thing to me. I slowly stopped going to church and lost many friends who actually cared for me but probably didn't want to have anything to do with my lifestyle. I don't blame them. I always prayed, God please don't give up on me.
Well, things can't always be great can they? I lived it up for a while, but then things slowly started to crash in on me. I lost my job, bills started getting tight, but my priorities didn't change. Soon after that I got arrested for a DUI. I stayed in jail overnight. Luckily, I wasn't charged with one...they are a felony, praise God I got a huge traffic ticket instead. So, for most people you would think that would be a wake up call right? I suppose I a bit more hard headed than most. After that, nothing really changed for me except that slowly I was losing more and getting even more behind with my bills. Soon after, my car was repossessed...after putting about $8000 into it. Also, I was issued a bench warrant bc I had only paid half of my $1800 ticket. So here I was driving around on a suspended license with a bench warrant. I kept this to myself. Only my parents and sisters knew. During this time, I took multiple trips, Nashville, Indianapolis, Kentucky, Florida...all while needing to get other things taken care of. I was in such a state of denial at the reality of my life, looking back now I can't even believe it myself. Well, after my lease was up in Mount Pleasant...I had no where to go. Obviously knowing these things about me, my parents weren't about to go out of their way to help me out. I had no money saved up. So what was I going to do? No job, no car?
A long time friend of mine that lived in Tennessee offered to let me stay with her. If it weren't for her, I honestly have no idea where I wouldve gone. She helped me by giving me a place to live and a way to work. But being in the still selfish state that I was in, never told her that my license was still under suspension and drove her vehicles anyway. Still, asking myself what was I thinking??
Well, during the time of living with her, I still didn't save any money like I could have been doing, rather I was spending my money as I pleased, going out or buying whatever I desired at the moment. I also started seeing a guy that I met a year before when I visited for my 22nd birthday. Well, what do you know? I end up pregnant....yep. Never in a million years thought that would happen to me. It never did in the past so in my mind I felt like I was above it. Birth control isn't 100%. Now here comes ...to this day the absolute biggest test that I was ever faced with. For 3 whole months I laid in bed, sick as a dog. Could barely walk across the room without feeling as though I were going to pass out or throw up. I told no one except my friend and my sister. I didn't know what to do? Here I was, living in someone elses house, with no car, no money and I turn up pregnant!! I can't put that on someone else. She already helped me enough and this is what I do? Needless to say the pressure was for me to have an abortion. Something I believe to the core of me is wrong no matter the situation. The only person that encouraged me not to do it was my mother who found out bc my sister ratted me out. She encouraged me to give my child up for adoption. For a brief time I truly considered it. But I felt so far from God and felt like adoption would be something where I would REALLY have to trust in God for guidance and it had been so long for me since I had even tried to speak to Him. I waited until the last possible day to go through with it. I had the abortion. Just typing that is so hard for me. I have never regretted anything more in my entire life. I was so depressed and broken. I felt a relief after I did it, but it was only a physical relief from the pregnancy sickness. Inside I was distrought. To this day I am still hurting and think of how things could have been if I had made the right choice. But I thank God for counseling from my mother and the crisis pregnancy center.
So, after this, do you think anything could get worse? If you don't...well, SUPRISE!! It can. I was still driving to work on a suspended license and it caught up to me. One night I was speeding and what would have been a simple traffic ticket, became more jail time. I spent 28 days in a tenn jail for it. It was supposed to be an overnight thing and I could get out for $100. But who was I going to ask? I didn't call my mother for DAYS because I was so ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know.
THIS WAS THE BIGGEST BLESSING. God snatched me out of my life and stuck me in a place where He could FINALLY speak to me. In the first days of being there, I was in denial and thinking of ways I could get out without asking anyone to help me. Of course all of the women I was in jail with had plenty of ideas...you could call up this bondsman and tell him you'll "do anything" if he gets you out. Or I know this guy, bc I get women for him and he would LOVE you. He will get you out and set you up with a place and a car. You just have to go on dates with him. I'm not even going to lie...as disgusting as any of that sounds...the thought of going with one of those choices crossed my mind...feeling hopeless in those 4 walls. Finally, after about 6 days I decided I would give my mom a call. I had nvr had my 1 free phonecall you're supposed to get so I begged a C.O. for it for days. I called her and basically she told me that she was praying for me and felt like this was part of the Lords plan for things to come in my life. She wasn't going to help me by getting me out. I was to stay for 52 days until my court date. I tell you what...when you're in jail 1 day feels like at least a week and getting up to go pee in front of everyone is a major event in your day...so 52 days...oh my heavens...that's a LONG TIME.
The cell I was in was over crowded. We had 42 women in a cell made for only 16, so we were sleeping on the floor. But in that time I was able to make friends with a girl sleeping next to me. To this day we still write each other. Soon she will be out. To make a long story short, God has allowed me to really speak into her life. She never thought I would keep in contact. Most people don't once they get out. After being in that cell and starting to get close with her, I was moved after about 9 days. I was distrought when I got into the new cell. It was like starting all over...who do I get protection from? who do I stay away from? what are the new rules?...so many questions, I just laid on my mat and under my blanket and cried for hours and asked God why He would move me again and take me from my new friend. I then fell asleep and when I awoke, there were 4 girls sitting close to me. I soon realized that they were doing a bible study. WHATTT? In jail??? I couldn't believe it. I HAD to get involved. God began to show me that I was there for a reason. I was there to be an example to the women in my cell of what it meant to be a christian...and example of Gods grace and forgiveness...and I was there to help lead that bible study...for women who had no previous biblical knowledge.
During those days, I was able to go thru a bible study for myself that really helped me draw close to the Lord in a way that I had so long forgotten. One day during my prayer time (every morning while everyone was asleep I would walk laps across the cell and pray) the Lord told me that I needed to fast. Now I will tell you this, fasting in jail is probably one of the hardest things you could be asked to do while there because you are ALWAYS hungry. Eating is a highlight of your day, so not doing it is extremely difficult. But the next day, day 27...I did it. I prayed that God would take my worry away. I was going to be homeless when I left there. I had no help whatsoever bc I still had a bench warrant and my parents wouldn't help. I asked God to help me to have the faith that when the day came that I was going to get out, that He would show me what to do...no matter how hard, I was going to go wherever He led and not try to get out on my own accord. Later that day I gave a note to a C.O. requesting from the judge a P.R. bond since I had already served more than I would have even had to serve for that charge. I honestly didn't think I would get and answer since that was the 3rd request that I'd sent, but God kept pushing me to do it. That day was so long. I had a migraine from not eating but God gave me the most overwhelming sense of peace and thanks. The next day, I was awoken out of my sleep and told to pack up my basket and that I was getting released. I almost had a heart attack. A million thoughts started running thru my head, who's getting me out, who's picking me up, where will I live, how will I take care of my bench warrant? I had no one. All I could do was pray and tell God...okay, here's your chance God...what do you want me to do? I made a cpl phone calls, and no one could help. I called my mom and she said, I don't know what to tell you. But my thoughts soon turned toward the Chaplain at the jail. Surely he had to know of a place that I could go so that I would not be on the streets. So, I called him and he made some calls.There was a place called the Grace Home close by but they did not have any room for me. He called a woman that did prison ministry and asked her if she would come pick me up. Minutes later my mom calls the jail back and says, ...so are you really willing to do whatever it takes to get back on the right path? OF COURRRRSE mom!! what can I do? So she tells me that if I find a place to sleep for the night, she would pay for my bus ticket back to Charleston and when I got there I would have to turn myself in for my bench warrant and serve 15 more days (9good days) there instead of paying the ticket and then she and her husband would be in prayer about letting me stay with them.
Holy Cow, all in a matter of minutes God had 3 ppl working in my favor to help me. 2 of which had never met me but were willing to do anything they could. This woman came to pick me up and took me out to eat (best food of my life after jail food). She then took me to her church to get me clothes to wear since I had nothing but what was on my back in the freezing snow! That night I had to stay at the salvation army. It was so humbling. Never in my life did I ever think I would be in a situation where I would have to sleep in a homeless shelter. But it was the most comfortable bed I'd felt in a month and laying in it gave me such peace knowing that I was right where God wanted me. The next morning that same woman came to pick me up and took me to her home for breakfast with her family. Then we went to a nursing home to sing hymns and share a message with the elderly there. As I was up in front of them, I couldn't help but think WOW look at where I am right now...I could've found my own way out, but I relied on God to direct my path and I am sharing His love with others right now. I looked across that room and on the wall I saw a painting of sunflowers. If anyone knows me well, you'd know that sunflowers hold a very special meaning to me and my relationship with the Lord. They have always come about as a spiritual marker for me. In that moment I felt as thought God was telling me you are right where I want you. Sweet daughter of the Son [Sun]. It brought tears to my eyes.
That night I was off to Charleston, to serve more time in jail...but this time I was actually excited. First, by thought that I will be close to the place I love, and second because I knew afterward I would have a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.
The jail in Berekeley County was so much different than the one in TN. The Lord was not present. There was no chapel once a week. There were no bibles, or classes and when you requested them...you probably wouldn't get one. Thankfully, I brought the bible that I got in TN in with me and I was able to leave it there with a girl who was in for attempted murder charges and she was a lesbian. I still pray that it blesses her as it did me.
When I was released, I was beyond happy. My mom picked me up and we went out to breakfast. The next day would begin the real tests for me. After all i've learned did it really stick? I had to get a job with no car. And without fail, God provided!!! The very first place I went to immediately called me back for an interview minutes after I left. Soon after, I was able to come up with the money ($600) that I needed for a class I had to take to get my license back. Now that is behind me and I am going this week to pay $300 more to get my license back. All the while I've been saving for a trip back to TN for court...to pay off those fines and to pay for the cost of a trip. But God has provided. I have saved so much money and I am now saving to be able to pay down an entire lease for a place and for another car. I don't know what will happen when I go back to court...how much it will cost me or if the charges will get dropped, but whatever happens I am beyond thankful that it will be behind me. God has not failed to provide for me since I told Him I would do whatever it took to make things right again. Even walk to work everyday rain or shine...work as much as possible. It hasn't been easy and I have temptations every day to go out, to spend money that I shouldn't, do things that I shouldn't. But the thing I'm thankful for...is that NOW I have an ear to listen to the Spirit. Something I lost in the past. There's nothing easy about following the Lord, and I fail everyday...but I've never felt more thankful for God's hand in my life. Showing me that I am His beloved daughter, whether I choose to follow Him or not, His love is unfailing and everlasting. Not one person or thing on this Earth has proven a love like that to me except for Him.
I know that I have quite a road ahead of me. I am so excited for the future and where God will lead me to live next, what church that I will go to, if He will allow me to go back to school. But things are coming together and right now He has told me to be content in this moment. To work hard and be dilligent in my current place and He will direct my next moves when I am ready. How amazing is that?
So looking back on my last post...yes it saddens me the past year of my life...but that life is dead. I have put to death my old way of thinking and God has given me a new heart and vision for the future.
SCRIPTURE I CLUNG TO:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. ~1 Peter 5:7-10
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year 2012
Lately the thought of death has been on my mind so much. I know that may sound weird or depressing but actually in every sense they have been most wonderful thoughts. Since christmas everywhere I turn I'm hearing stories of people dying and coming back to life. Seeing the light of God or the darkness of Hell. The song called "Heaven Song" by Phil Wickham has been on repeat on my iTunes.
"I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
'Well done my child, enter in and rest'
Tears of joy roll down my cheek
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams"
And then these verses stood out to me a lot...
20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.
-Philipians 1:20-26
It seems as though this time of year always gets people thinking a lot. Thinking hard about life, about their goals, and what the future holds. It's got me thinking the same way. I've been thinking about the purpose of life here on Earth. Why am I here? This life isn't just some place we exist for no reason. The reason we are here....is this...
18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
-Matthew 28:18-20
Thinking about the way God can use me just blows my mind. Even more so when I see the way he uses other people I know. I don't know where I'm going this year or how my life will impact others for the good and growth of His kingdom...but I really look forward to it happening. I have so much growing to do and I feel like I don't even know where to start...but my prayer for this year, for myself, is to grow as a woman in Christ more than ever before. I know that He has very special things for me to accomplish in His name and I am extremely excited about it. I really hope that my life will impact the people that I love that don't truly know Him, and others that I don't even know yet..."whether by life or by death"
So as we put to rest the old year and bring to life this new year, I pray that I will really allow God to mold me and change me into His image. That I will learn and grow in truth. <3
"I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
'Well done my child, enter in and rest'
Tears of joy roll down my cheek
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams"
And then these verses stood out to me a lot...
20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! 23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; 24 but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.
-Philipians 1:20-26
It seems as though this time of year always gets people thinking a lot. Thinking hard about life, about their goals, and what the future holds. It's got me thinking the same way. I've been thinking about the purpose of life here on Earth. Why am I here? This life isn't just some place we exist for no reason. The reason we are here....is this...
18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
-Matthew 28:18-20
Thinking about the way God can use me just blows my mind. Even more so when I see the way he uses other people I know. I don't know where I'm going this year or how my life will impact others for the good and growth of His kingdom...but I really look forward to it happening. I have so much growing to do and I feel like I don't even know where to start...but my prayer for this year, for myself, is to grow as a woman in Christ more than ever before. I know that He has very special things for me to accomplish in His name and I am extremely excited about it. I really hope that my life will impact the people that I love that don't truly know Him, and others that I don't even know yet..."whether by life or by death"
So as we put to rest the old year and bring to life this new year, I pray that I will really allow God to mold me and change me into His image. That I will learn and grow in truth. <3
Sunday, December 25, 2011
The End of the Year
I used to write a blog on here and I deleted almost a year ago now. This year has been such a strange year for me. A year of really learning who I am as a person. I think that I learn even more each day as I meet new people and experience the things that each new day brings. I'm starting this blog again to write about how God is working in my life. It has always been so nice to go back and read those things and I want that in my life again.
A year ago, I made a decision that changed my entire year. It's crazy how one decision can lead to so many others many of which lead to consequences that I would have never imagined would happen to me. I know God is still with me and I've held grasp of Him knowing that if I ever let go...I'll be lost forever. I feel like at this point, I'm just so tired of living by the letter of the law. I miss my relationship and my conviction. It's so easy when you fall away from God to just start doing what you know is right, and then slip into sin and make excuses as to why sinning is okay.
So, here I am.
"Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first." Rev. 2:4&5
Live by the Spirit not by the law.
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